Since we liked his last column so much, we asked Mike for more. So he asked me to send him all the metalcore we had on our todo-list and this is what came out of it. Part I that is. Bands that got reviewed below, please don’t send hatemail our way. We’re just the messenger. We gladly provide Mike’s address so you can fight him.
What’s up pussies? So Pim told me my article on E-Chug was so awe-inspiring he wanted me to come back and shower you pre-pubescent plebs with more nuggets of metalcore genius, so here’s the my first column of ‘heavy hardcore’ reviews. Unfortunately, everything he sent me was fucking shit, so if you’re looking for the next Reprisal you’re going to be a bit disappointed.
Firezone – Welcome to the Firezone
Harley Flanagan has a lot to answer for. I imagine if Best Wishes didn’t exist, we wouldn’t have to worry about seeing Firezone on a hardcore bill any time soon. Saying that, I sincerely doubt these nerds will be hitting up a venue near you, given they have the force of a wet fart and the personality of a half eaten bacon sandwich. I can just about picture these thick headed dorks working up the pit trying to get 3 twelve year olds to start a circle pit at the local christian youth club, while old men sit at the back of the club drinking Duvels and wondering why 5 paedos are trying to play heavy metal, but beyond that I think these will probably remain at the ‘practice room’ stage. Please, switch it off, thanks.
Dirty East Godverdomme – Appetiet for Destruction
Apparently these are meant to sound like Arkangel. I suppose at a push I could say they sound a bit like Black Friday 29 as it’s that sort of ‘heavy hardcore’ thing but even that’s pushing it. I mean, it’s not a mess of loads of notes with some pointless piano and shit vocals. It’s just utterly middle of the road. You wouldn’t want to risk getting blood on your trainers spinkicking to any of the slow bits, the vocals are all a bit angry-euro, they’re just particularly middle of the road, repetitive, bland. Dudes should stick to computer programming and getting high scores on tetris, cos they ain’t cut out for shredding.
Now, Voyager – Seas
Touring Europe with Deal With It, there were a lot of times we ended up playing with younger bands, especially in Switzerland and Germany, skinny little whelps, wet behind the ears, etc. We never spoke to them, cos we didn’t like meeting new people unless we got something out of it, but we always got surprised the sort of kit these kids had. They’d get dropped off at the show by one of their dads and proceed to pull a full backline out the back of dad’s Mercedes people carrier. While we were gonna be playing on 3rd party Gibson clones through marshalls we bought from a charity shop (and perfectly happy with that too) these barely-adult bands had full mesa boogie set ups with glowing neon knobs and a drum kit that had just been shipped in from Japan especially. They’d have their own vinyl banner that they’d carefully put up before they played, and laid out their faultlessly designed self-released CD. We never worried too much though, cos they all sounded like wet little rich boys that just had enough money for good kit but lacked any personality whatsoever. And at the end of the gig we’d take their cables, and a tuning pedal if we were lucky. Now, Voyager might not be one of those bands, but they certainly look and sound like it, so fuck them.
Embrace Destruction – Reign of Terror
This is the sort of band I would spend five songs watching with distaste then when the beers kicked in I would start doing kung fu at girls and knocking over little boys in tracksuits. It’s not going to set the world on fire, but at least it sounds fairly hard. Two vocals is a big no-no though, unless you’re in TRC. Also, bands like this shouldn’t have ‘politico’ lyrics, they should have songs about doing kung fu at girls and knocking over little boys in tracksuits. We’ve already got the band that does heavy+apocalypse=profit, and that band is All Out War.
That’s it for now. Next time I’m gonna listen to some stuff with Niels from Cornered and we’ll write loads of horrible shit that probably won’t get published.Back to reviews overview
Hm… When bands make the effort of sending in a recording to review, they Deserve better than this. They deserve a real review, something I thought SWNK prided on. This is just a load of shit. Loved the e-chug thing, but this won’t do for me. Just my two cents, but i thought SWNK would be better than this. This is punx.nl level. (and no, i’m not associated with any of these bands. 😉 )
yeah, I’m a bit disappointed about this as well… 🙁
I mean, it’s ok if you don’t like certain kinds of music, but if you don’t think it’s worth taking those bands seriously, don’t include them in your zine. Or if you think it’s shit, at least write about why it’s shit. I guess this article was meant to be funny, but well, it just… Isn’t…
It’s ok that you don’t like every band out there. But are you in a band your self? Pim, this doesn’t make any sense, please make him shut up.
I think the reviews for Embrace Destruction and Dirty East Godverdomme are pretty fair. Mike describes the music and adds the good and bad sides of the band.
And that Now, Voyager review has some truth in it as well. We all know bands like that exist.
Plus ‘we’ already have enough positive reviewers here on SWNK, when something sucks it sucks.
Nothing wrong with these reviews. Ofcourse does it suck big time when it is your band. But then again, learn from it and get better. We have enough shitty bands already.
tell you what, when I get sent something good I’ll give it a good review
@Johan, what exactly should bands learn from this? They are only told they suck, not why they suck or what they should improve. One band is basicly told it would be best if they quit. That’s not very helpful, is it?
@Rold, I don’t say the reviews have to be positive. I’m just saying saying something sucks because it sucks is too easy. I want to know WHY you think it sucks. The way I understood it, publishing well thought out and well argumented reviews was one of SWNK’s goals. These just don’t fall into that category. And I thinkt “the staff” think so as well, since these were not published as seperate reviews, but more as sort of a column, with an apology beforehand even. I just don’t see who benefits from this and I thought SWNK was above this.
Then again, it’s not the end of the world…just my two cents.
While I kinda expected comments like this:
Everybody has it’s own writing style. And instead of citing the bio and giving a +/- of the record, Mike decided to put it this way. Did I like what he wrote? Yes. Is he harsh? Yes. Shouldn’t he be? I don’t know. It wouldn’t be the way I would write it down, but I like it when people speak their minds. If he feels like that about these records, I want to hear it to be honest. I’m sure he would have praised the band if he loved it.
I’ll stress this once again, SWNK is not about being objective. We’re not about copying that biography or pressrelease that came with the record. We’re not a school for bands to teach them exactly what’s wrong with their records (if there’s anything wrong). We’re about opinions. They might be strong now and then, but I want to hear what people think. And please, like you’re doing now, keep giving your opinion in the comments. If a reviewer is wrong in your eyes. Tell him. I always love a good discussion and apparently you care about what we publish. I can only thank you for that.
And while we publish a lot of reviews, it’s just a side thing for me personally. But that might be because I never cared much for reviews. I actually always liked the non-standard reviews. Either positive or bad. Like this one.
I know we can’t please em all and I can imagine it’s not cool to be one of the bands that got a bad review, but hey, that’s part of being in a band. You will get many bad reviews while you’re in a band (I’ve had my share of those haha) and if one person tells you to quit your band because he thinks it suck, will you? No. Yes, you might get mad for a second (I would), but life goes on. And you’ll want to do better next time. And maybe next time you’ll get a better review. Or a review that you feel you deserve more. But even then, “you can’t please em all”.
Wow, I take it you guys never had your records reviewed by Maximum Rock’n Roll haha!
As Rold mentioned, I think the reviews on SWNK are generally positive and detailed. I don’t mind having these kind of articles to counterweight that. And if this is an incentive for metalcore bands to stop sending their stuff, why not? 😉
@ Just Killing Time: regarding your first comment: I don’t think most of these bands sent proper records, but mainly MP3, there is absolutely NO effort in this. It seems that nowadays bands and labels don’t to take themselves seriously enough to promote themselves properly. It is mindblowing that you now have to beg people for sending actual CD (not even vinyl!) for reviews, and you get called a “greedy reviewer looking for free-records” when you do. I think I’ll start reviewing MP3 and giving the worst reviews just for the sake of it. end rant/
btw, loved the article.
I’m totally into honest and negative reviews. Good to have that doghead in your team.
What I don’t understand, and even less after reading through your explanations in the comments, why are these reviews in a separate column and not with the other reviews?
haha, just realised that it actually is with the other reviews!
I play drums in Dirty East and I think he did a fair job. We wanted to get shit reviewed that’s exactly what we got. Title of the record is Apetiet for Destruction (it’s dutch for ape-tit), not appetiet. It’s available on 12″ here:
Or check out our tunes and judge for yourself here: dirtyeast.bandcamp.com
Say hi to Niels for me Doghead.
Haha, wow. I’m astonished at how ridiculous this “review” actually is. It literally says nothing about the bands’ music. I’m the vocalist for Now, Voyager, and usually I don’t tend to bother with posts like these, but it’s hard to resist on this one.
Anyway, the only thing I have to say is this: We worked hard for every single thing we have, and as opposed to the “wet little rich boys” comment, we earned our own money to invest into this band. If you think your “3rd party Gibson clones through marshalls” makes you more deserving of recognition or more legitimate as a musician, I’d just go an argue that maybe you don’t have enough of a standard for the music you play to want the best gear possible to suit the music you play. We all started with 2nd-3rd hand instruments/amps, but guess what? We earned our money and upgraded. And we are a 100% DIY band. All added stage props (re: our lights/pedal boards) are things we built ourselves.
And if it’s the music you dislike, stick to criticizing the music rather than tossing around unwarranted statements. Our music isn’t for everyone, and that’s perfectly fine. Criticism is always welcome as long as it’s constructive. Overall though, I feel as though this article was just written for the sake of saying something, since you spent the entire Now, Voyager review ripping on one type of band, and finish off by saying “Now, Voyager might not be one of those bands, but they certainly look and sound like it, so fuck them.”… a little contradictory, isn’t it?
For anyone who may be curious to check out my band, and formulate your own opinion, you can find us on facebook at http://www.facebook.com/wearenowvoyager and/of listen to our entire first EP on BandCamp (www.wearenowvoyager.bandcamp.com).
Hope everyone has a great day! x